Silence

The day was bright with only wisps of clouds in the sky. A man with a wrinkled brow and a weathered face sat outside. The wind tousled his hair that had gone straw-like with age. A crowd was around him, silent. A woman that was still a girl walked up and sat in the chair next to him. "How are you this beautiful day?"

 

There was only silence in return. She wondered why there was no response. Maybe his hearing was gone. She asked again, a little louder, "How are you doing these days?"

Still, there was only silence. With hesitant hands she unpinned the withered corsage from his coat and put on a fresh one. It was crimson, lovely arranged with a bit of fern and baby's breath. The woman's face had a far away look as memories flood back of her childhood. As a child she would sit on her daddy's lap, and smell the sweetness of the rose pinned to his lapel. Shaking her head she jumped back into the now. "Do you know I'm in college? I do quite well, but I don't have a real goal in mind."

 

The silence was deafening. Looking to her hands folded in her lap, she wondered if he was proud of her. He had never finished High School because of family troubles. Maybe graduating from college would break the silent spell that he had spun upon her.

 

She had worn her best pair of jeans and a forest green sweater. Green had been his favorite color. He had loved being outdoors. Once upon a time they had gone camping for weeks on end. There had been so much to share. Spying on animals through trees, picking berries, learning about edible plants, and most of all how much he loved his little girl.

Words died on her lips as she started to say something and then stopped because of his silence. She tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear and tried once last time. "I met someone. He's a really great guy. He works in a restaurant as a chef. I think he might be the one."

Again only silence. If this man was the one, would her father walk her down the aisle? Would he give her away? Or would he sit here silent?

 

There was nothing left for her to say and although there were many questions, she knew there would be no answers. And there never would be. He had taken himself out of her life permanently. With a sad smile and a heavy heart she walked home from the cemetery.

Flux

Flux -or- An Update on the Life of a Panda (for those interested in what’s happening in my life)

 

A short recap. I quit my job at the Native Village of Unalakleet in November 2016.

 

I moved to a boyfriend’s homestead outside of Philipsburg, MT in February 2017.

 

I knew moving would be a catalyst, going from a long distance relationship to living together just is. It either would work or it wouldn’t work. And I would never know unless I actually did it.

 

There were a few things that happened leading up to me moving that made me hesitate, so I gave myself a fairly decent cushion, so I could move back to Alaska if I needed to. I didn’t want to end up stuck in a situation that wasn’t working for me. (Sometimes I’m really happy that I’m an over planner.)

 

Moving in was a smooth transition. The first couple months worked really well. Remarkably well. Turns out I thrive living in a homestead environment. However one of the things that happened (that caused me to hesitate) before I moved in started influencing things more and more. It felt like his dreams grew bigger than our relationship. And while I supported his dreams, I still needed to feel a connection and for there to be an element of our dreams.

 

Things happened and in the first part of June, I told him I was moving back to Alaska and that I would like to go back to a long distance relationship with him (because that was working before). In the end I officially ended all things with him in the end of July.

 

It was hard for me to give up my dream of living on the homestead with him. It had been my dreams for the past three+ years. It was hard breaking up with my first love, my first relationship.

 

In order to help me move (and because she wanted some rad new wheels) my mama let me buy a car for her in Missoula, which I used to move my stuff off the homestead. She’s graciously letting me borrow her wheels to go on a crazy road trip adventure around the Western part of the US. Soon I’ll be making the journey up the AlCan with said things and moving back to the village for a bit.

 

I’m not sure yet what my new direction will be. I’m sure something interesting will cross my path. But for now, I’m adventuring and being happy. And that’s a good thing.

What's going on?

This. This is going on.

We don't take nice, posed pictures of Thanksgiving dinner at my house, we take pictures of everyone after they've already dug in. The food this year was phenomenal. Seriously. I don't remember the food ever being this delicious. We had turkey, mashed taters, gravy, cranberry salad, stuffing, green bean casserole, poppy seed rolls, olives, fruit salad, cherry pie and pumpkin cheesecake. Yep, we skipped the traditional pies this year.

Did you know that turkeys now come with gravy stuff in them? You mix it with water (I mixed it with chicken broth and added ptarmigan and grouse giblets) and bring it to a boil. It made some damn fine gravy, but it also made me start thinking about the reasoning behind this new insert in the turkeys cavity. And my conclusion is that people are getting too lazy to or are incapable of making gravy. Which makes me sad. It's not a hard process to learn.

This is my "there is glorious amounts of food in front of me and wine in my glass" smile.

We stuffed ourselves so much on the actual dinner that we had to take a two hour break after dinner before even attempting dessert. Well, they had to take a two hour break, I had to take a 6 hour break before I could even attempt desert. I done myself proud.

I swear his face gets sweeter and cuter every single day. Mister Blue is aging so gracefully and he's still as soft-hearted as ever. Just before I made him sit for this picture he was eating snow. I love it when he does that and gets snow on his nose. I have to take a picture really quickly because he licks it off fairly quickly.

We set some snares on Sunday. Naturally I decided to take a picture. The I had the clever idea to...

practically lay down in the snow so I could get this angle. I LOVE IT! Hopefully our labor will pay off with some fur.

These were set on November 30th. The last day in November. Trapping season in our hunting unit begins on November 1st. But up until Friday we did not have snow and for the most of November the river wasn't really safe. Pretty crazy and pretty disappointing. Actually... seriously disappointing. I had three weeks where I was out here in the village to dedicate to trapping before I do some work travel and then spend three weeks with the manfriend out in Montana. What the heck, weather? What the heck?!?!

I thought this was the flipping coolest thing. It looks like a wolverine and fox are best friends and traveling some epic journey together. I'm sure that's not the case, but wouldn't that be magical if it were? They were so fresh and beautiful. I really wish we'd had enough snow to go and attempt to track them and hunt them down on the tundra. But there was no way to get up on the tundra from the river. Someday. Someday, I'll be able to track something.

Freddy's Beach Bar

In my travels, I run across some amazing places. And I end up traveling back to the same areas, in the same cities. And lets be real, some places just draw you back. :) One such place is Freddy's Beach Bar in Crystal City. There are EPA offices just a short jaunt away, along with about five Marriott's in a two block radius (seriously? seriously.) and we always stay in the area for our NTOC meetings. I was initially drawn to the place because of it's color and vibrancy. When I found out it was a gay bar with drag queen bingo on Wednesday nights? It had me forever.

Sorry for the bad quality of the picture.

Everyone that I've met there has been there to have a good time and were welcoming of this Alaskan stranger. It was so packed one night that there were no seats at the bar or any open tables. So I jaunted up to a table that seated four with only three people at it and they totally let me sit down and order a beer and a burger and play some drag queen bingo. The hostesses swung by my table the second time I was there and welcomed me and asked where I was from and thanked me for coming. It's truly a great place and a great time. Bonus: It has glorious drinks with mermaids and flashing light cubes.

That's right folks, I treasured each and every sip.

Bread, flowers, and manfriend

I find myself over half way through 2014 and not a blog post to show for any of the wonderful things (both little and huge) that have happened in my life this year. I feel so incredibly fortunate to be living the life that I am. I'm happy and grateful for things in my life everyday.

This guy would be someone that I am grateful for everyday. And someone that makes me happy everyday.

I don't get to see him as often as I want, but that goes hand in hand with I don't get to be in the village as much as I want either. I missed out on a lot of trapping here this past winter. This Spring I missed out on a lot of gardening on the homestead in Montana. However, looking at the happy side of life, it's filled with people that love and care about me and that want to spend time with me.
Side note: what is my frizzy hair doing up there? Ugh.

It's really difficult having your feet and your heart in two places that are so far away from each other. There are a lot of similarities, which means I feel very comfortable in both places. However sometimes those similarities are just different enough that it feels like an alternate universe. There are huge differences as well, the first that comes to mind: temperatures. I MELT in Montana summers. At least when I'm in the direct sunlight. Definitely something that is going to take me years to adjust to. You can adjust to high temperatures, right?

One of the differences about Montana. Different flowers. :)

Manfriend takes me on walks to see the pretty flowers and take pictures. Talk about a winner. <3

This Spring I decided to dig up some Alaskan irises and sent them to Montana for the garden. Someday I plan on living there and I want a piece of my village there. Montana irises are the same kind of iris but they're paler. One of those glaring differences. Not a bad thing but just noticeable to this village girl. We think that a half dozen of them will survive. Manfriend planted them next to his great great great great (who knows how many) irises that he brought up from Colorado that she brought from some place in the midwest. They're beautiful and glorious and I feel privileged that my little Alaskan irises get to live next to his grandma's irises

Something I'll have to visit Alaska for, for the the rest of my life is pictured below.

Salmonberries. That's right I picked them in the rain because I love them that much.

I had two work trips in July that almost prevented the capture of these little fiends. I was home for less than a week right when the berries were just starting to ripen. They're one of the only berries that will continue to ripen after you pick them. So I picked two gallons when they were hard and shucked 'em with my momma. I left for a week and a half. When I came back they were ripe, some were even too ripe by the time I got back. But I picked and picked and picked the already picked berries anyways. I walked. I fell over. I picked in the rain. I picked in the bugs. And I got two more gallons. :) Not too shabby. My family makes salmon berry syrup with them. It's my favorite syrup on the planet. Incidentally enough it's manfriend's favorite syrup too. He has some pretty good taste, that guy. (Obviously.)

I recently saw that there are a few fireweed plants on the drive up to the homestead from Philipsburg.

Mom and I went on a mini-adventure with Mister Blue and picked fireweed blossoms for jelly and such. The plants took a severe beating this year. There was a pretty big storm during the summer and the wind just thrashed the plants, especially along the coast.

Bread for the homestead and my tummy, of course.

One of the things I've started learning is to make bread. It's kinda trickier at altitude. Jay has a really good recipe. This batch had sour cream and fresh chives from the garden in it. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty darn amazing. My bread is still a little crumbly. :( But I love making it so I'm hoping that I improve as time goes on. :)

The Minneapolis airport is very kind to stranded travelers.

Just a little snapshot of life on the road. My last flight out of DC was delayed and I ended up overnighting in the Minneapolis airport. They have an iPad at every single restaurant table in their bars and food places. It's sooo bizarre. I mean what if you want to actually visit with people you're traveling with. And how the hell am I supposed to know what to tip the person delivering my drink. Ridiculous.

It rained last night

In December. So, you know, now there's an 1/2 of an inch of ice on EVERYTHING. This trapping season is not off to a good start for me. I didn't even get out on the line until Thanksgiving Day. That's the 28th. Trapping season opened on November 1st. That's 28 days too late! Granted Montana Man was able to squeeze in his first visit to Alaska (Anchorage, not Unalakleet), I had a week long conference in Anchorage, and I visited Montana Man for a weekend so I can't complain a whole helluva lot because that's all really awesome stuff. But now that I'm home and can actually get out and trap nothing has been going in my favor.

My trapping partner and I tried to head out on Tuesday. We waited for the sun to come up and got all geared up and took off around 11:30 am. We didn't even get 1/8th of a mile out of town before Gregg was stuck in overflow past his knees. With rope, some strength and his stomping we hauled his rig out of the ice and slush and towed it back to the shop. It would start up only to sputter and die. So we called it quits for Tuesday. How disappointing.

MVP Gold

So I'm trying to earn my damn MVP Gold. And the weather is not freaking cooperating. Yesterday the flight was cancelled because of the wind out here in Unalakleet or the freezing rain in Anchorage. Today the flights are on weather hold because of more freaking freezing rain. What did I do to piss the universe off?

All I need is 6,480 miles. And then I get a free drink on every flight. And I'm rid of those pesky flight change fees. Gah! I'm beyond frustrated. Not to mention I was supposed to be hanging out with Montana man today. 3 hours ago. I'm not a very pleased panda at the moment.

Here's a pretty picture so this post isn't entirely me ranting