I've been asking a lot of different people what I should do right now in my life with regards to grad school. Deep down I know it will have to be my decision. And deep down, it'll have to be a decision that I have to live with, that I will have to be happy with. A decision that I ultimately have to make on my own. For my own reasons.
I feel in my heart that if I stay in school, that I will be staying in school because everyone around me is voting that I stay in school. Everyone wants me to stay in school and to be in school because I'm capable of so much. I can do this. I should do this. Job security. Why not? It's only two years. What else would you do? Will you be happy if you quit? Why shouldn't you do this? Is this something you really want to give up on? Isn't it worth it? Will you be happy settling for something else?
Everyone around me wants me to "succeed" and I almost feel like it's for their reasons. They want me to succeed because I can. And if I don't then I'm wasting something. I don't want to devote my life to math. Struggling over roughly 17 problems a week that take hours upon hours does not appeal to me. Not even for 2 years. I don't want to sit in an office. I don't want to teach, I don't mind tutoring, but I don't want to teach.
I don't know what I want in life. I hung out with some very dear friends and some new friends this evening. And the one thing that I came away with was "I DONT KNOW." I walked this in the snow as I walked home in circles and thought about what I wanted in life. The only real answer I have right now is I don't know. I know very little, I know I love my family. I know I want to be here for them. I know I want time for craft work. I know I want time to read. I know that I want to travel. I know I want time with my mother, with my nephew, with my community. None of this amounts to me knowing anything definite about my future.
I'm absolutely terrified of not knowing what I want in life, what I want with grad school and if I'm staying in grad school because I'm scared, that's yet another reason not to be there. I'm scared of people thinking I'm a failure because I don't want grad school. I think I know what I need to do. But I don't know if I'm ready to live up to all the implications that come with my decision.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
thinks my fish are rad
And that I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them just hanging out. That's one thing that I'm going to really miss in the coming years. Time to sit and read or to sit and crochet, at least without feeling guilty. Whenever I take time to do something that isn't homework I feel extremely guilty and it just doesn't come with the enjoyment that it used to. I haven't even taken time to bead since I left home. It kind of makes me sad. Makes me question this whole grad school thing even more than I already am. Frustrating.
This weekend was a much need break that I took regardless of homework and reading and studying. I drove to Durango on Thursday night after my classes and help lab hours. I got in at about 1 and was completely zoned for most of the drive. Normally I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving but this time my mind just cleared. Empty. Long empty hours. Friday morning I slept in and then went to lunch with Gretchen, Matt, and Ozzy. I always feel better seeing how happy she is. We talked about some options for if I decide that I don't want to devote my life to math for the next 6 years. Here's what came up:
After visiting with G, M, and O, I went up to campus to see if any of my teacher folk were around. Erich was so I sat and visited with him for a while until the tutoring center got busy. Ha... I even ended up helping out some kids. Funny how you just fall into that. He said that the first year was the hardest and it's because you're focusing on passing the Prelims. Which is encouraging and also discouraging at the same time. It's nice to know that he said it was hard, makes me feel less badly about how hard everything is for me. Again... encouraging.
Mikey finally sold Baskin and is now working just fully at Wagon Wheel. He was there when I stopped by and visited for a bit. I wish I could go back and work for him. I think I'd like a brainless job right now at this juncture in my life. After that I entered grades and zoned out in front of the TV till Kirsten got off of work. We went to dinner at Season's (both of us hadn't eaten there before ever!) As we were walking there, we passed the Ranch and I knew everyone standing around outside. We were slightly delayed by hugs and catching up with people. So fun! After Season, we cruised through Orio's for purple fuckers, peeked in at the disturbing Ponga's remake, and then went to the Ranch where we spent the duration of the evening. A bunch of people came and it was great, great fun. And great, great stress release.
Day two: Saturday. Slept in, and then went to lunch at Steamworks with Carl, Janice, Gretchen, Ozzy and Kirsten. It was sooo good to talk to Carl, just like it was good to talk with Erich. He took more time off than me and was able to relate to me in getting a slow start. But he said that means I'm just taking in a lot more now and will be able to in the future so I'll surpass everyone else. I just laughed but it's a fun notion. We must have sat around for 2 hours. It was good. Poor Kirsten was probably really bored with all the math talk but she was a trooper! She was surprised how close I am with my professors. I know it's because the department is so small and they're just so amazing. I consider myself really, really blessed because of that.
Saturday night was dinner at China Cafe, only the best Chinese food in the state of Colorado. Yum. After that we cruised on over to her friend Heather's for some chill time before karaoke at the tavern. Karaoke was one of those magical nights when no one is there for most of the evening. We got to sing a lot. I got to visit with Brian, who is sometimes to busy to sit and have a chat. Lots of laughs were had and it was just an incredible evening. Love, love, love singing Journey. It was epic as always. Zeke had a few good laughs at me just because I'm so ridiculous all the time. Great stuff.
My day of driving started out at 1. Not as early as I'd like but early enough. It was beautiful and a perfect driving day. I thought more on the drive back here to Boulder than I did on the drive to Durango. It's strange to me that I don't think of Boulder as home yet. Right now home is in Unalakleet with my Mom. I'm going to give this grad school a year to see if it settles into me more. I'm going to work on being better at managing my time. And I'm going to stop writing this blog and get to work on my homework. Or at least run to the store and get some detergent so I can do my laundry and then do my homework.
This weekend was a much need break that I took regardless of homework and reading and studying. I drove to Durango on Thursday night after my classes and help lab hours. I got in at about 1 and was completely zoned for most of the drive. Normally I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving but this time my mind just cleared. Empty. Long empty hours. Friday morning I slept in and then went to lunch with Gretchen, Matt, and Ozzy. I always feel better seeing how happy she is. We talked about some options for if I decide that I don't want to devote my life to math for the next 6 years. Here's what came up:
- getting my CDL
- being a mailman or a postmaster
- going to grad school for something else
- just getting my Master's not my Ph. D.
After visiting with G, M, and O, I went up to campus to see if any of my teacher folk were around. Erich was so I sat and visited with him for a while until the tutoring center got busy. Ha... I even ended up helping out some kids. Funny how you just fall into that. He said that the first year was the hardest and it's because you're focusing on passing the Prelims. Which is encouraging and also discouraging at the same time. It's nice to know that he said it was hard, makes me feel less badly about how hard everything is for me. Again... encouraging.
Mikey finally sold Baskin and is now working just fully at Wagon Wheel. He was there when I stopped by and visited for a bit. I wish I could go back and work for him. I think I'd like a brainless job right now at this juncture in my life. After that I entered grades and zoned out in front of the TV till Kirsten got off of work. We went to dinner at Season's (both of us hadn't eaten there before ever!) As we were walking there, we passed the Ranch and I knew everyone standing around outside. We were slightly delayed by hugs and catching up with people. So fun! After Season, we cruised through Orio's for purple fuckers, peeked in at the disturbing Ponga's remake, and then went to the Ranch where we spent the duration of the evening. A bunch of people came and it was great, great fun. And great, great stress release.
Day two: Saturday. Slept in, and then went to lunch at Steamworks with Carl, Janice, Gretchen, Ozzy and Kirsten. It was sooo good to talk to Carl, just like it was good to talk with Erich. He took more time off than me and was able to relate to me in getting a slow start. But he said that means I'm just taking in a lot more now and will be able to in the future so I'll surpass everyone else. I just laughed but it's a fun notion. We must have sat around for 2 hours. It was good. Poor Kirsten was probably really bored with all the math talk but she was a trooper! She was surprised how close I am with my professors. I know it's because the department is so small and they're just so amazing. I consider myself really, really blessed because of that.
Saturday night was dinner at China Cafe, only the best Chinese food in the state of Colorado. Yum. After that we cruised on over to her friend Heather's for some chill time before karaoke at the tavern. Karaoke was one of those magical nights when no one is there for most of the evening. We got to sing a lot. I got to visit with Brian, who is sometimes to busy to sit and have a chat. Lots of laughs were had and it was just an incredible evening. Love, love, love singing Journey. It was epic as always. Zeke had a few good laughs at me just because I'm so ridiculous all the time. Great stuff.
My day of driving started out at 1. Not as early as I'd like but early enough. It was beautiful and a perfect driving day. I thought more on the drive back here to Boulder than I did on the drive to Durango. It's strange to me that I don't think of Boulder as home yet. Right now home is in Unalakleet with my Mom. I'm going to give this grad school a year to see if it settles into me more. I'm going to work on being better at managing my time. And I'm going to stop writing this blog and get to work on my homework. Or at least run to the store and get some detergent so I can do my laundry and then do my homework.
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