balls.

Remind me when I unpack my storage unit to dispose of 5 things. Be it an octopus, a box of crap, a bag of clothes, a unit of shelves, SOMETHING!

I think I need a job.

Or at least less time on my hands.

My fish have a new home.

They're getting picked up today. Kinda sad, but another thing checked off my list. And they're going to a good home. *sigh*

I've been working on an afghan for a few years (it's going very slowly) but it uses a technique for a haveing a reverse side. It's also twice as thick as normal knitting. So I thought I'd give it a try for a hat! I like it except I think the stitches are a little stretched out. I need to use a smaller sized needle with a more stitches. So I'll have to experiment with that. I hate having to rip though and I ripped out a hat last night. :( Such are the joys of knitting without a pattern. Anyways... here is the first experiment.

the grey side

the black side

The shelf of movies is finally all packed up. I think I'm going to break it down today and stick it in the porch. I really like the wooden shelves. I think I kind of want to save them. I'm going to get rid of the metal shelf though. That guy has traveled with me for years and it's kind of a piece of crap. It's definitely moving on. I had people pick up stuff yesterday and am having two others pick up stuff today. I feel so good everytime something leaves my presence. And even better than I know it's going to be used. Now just keep your fingers crossed that my place is subleased before February 1st. That'd be really great. Thanks.

Two thousand ten so far has been the hear from old friends and reconnect with people year. It started out with Chelsea and I giving Ryder and Annette a surprise visit. Ten years ago we did a time capsule with letters to each other when we were 15 and 16 years old. This was the year we scheduled to open it. Me being the weird, anal person that I am when it comes to this stuff, I brought it into Anchorage because Ryder, Chelsea, and I were all going to be there. Amazing. Chelsea and I were fairly nervous when we knocked on the door but after a few minutes we were comfortable and taking a hammer to the bottle. Some of the letters were read aloud and others were saved to be read alone. A few apologies were given and accepted and emails were given around. It was wonderful to see Ryder and to be at ease around him. Hopefully our friendship will be rekindled. I've missed that guy.

And a few days ago my old classmate Travis called and chatted with me for a good bit. He was with his kids, who sounded like they were having a blast. It's amazing how far so many of my classmates have come. So many of them have families or are starting families and have jobs and are growing up. One more year and we can plan a 10 year high school reunion. Creepy. At least I think so.

hoarder

I've decided I'm on the road to being a hoarder. If one person who moves at least once every year can fill a 2 bedroom house with stuff, then that individual has too much crap! I have been doing my best to get rid of stuff but it's kinda hard when you're a craft person who loves books, movies, and music. Craft supplies are just bulky in general and I am into more than one. This results in tubs of yarn, tubs of material, and boxes of beads. I have a whole shelf of crap. I don't want to give up any of those hobbies though.

I will not give into the digital age when it comes to books either. I love being able to hold a book and dog ear pages. I love the weight of a book in your hand or on your chest as you're falling asleep. The idea of a kindle or other digital book thingy just makes me sad. So it's hard getting rid of books, although I have managed to pass on a few and have given some to used book stores. Which is a tease really because being in a used book store stuffed full of potential and not being able to get anything new is just torture. I'm tempted to pick ten more books and give them up just so I can get some new ones. I think I just talked myself into it.

To downsize my DVD's, or at least the bulkyness of them I've moved them into booklets. So I still have them, they're just more compact. Sadly to say you can't really do that with VHS tapes. And I refuse to give up most of my VHS tapes but I've convinced myself to part with some. I suppose I don't really need Puff the Magic Dragon or Frosty the Snowman. I suppose.

Sweet nectar of life. Coffee I love you. It just has to be said.

Regardless of me thinking of all of this, I'm not moving very fast in the packing direction. 21 days. The 3 week countdown begins. Oh crap. I need to look into a ticket back north too.

I wish I could sleep.

Some nights I sleep for 4 hours and then am just awake. Not wake up, roll over and fall back asleep. Just wake up and my eyes are open. I remember being able to sleep. I guess I get more done though because I have more time. Ha. I don't know if I always use this time productively though. I've been coloring, beading, knitting, reading, playing video games, cooking actual meals, spending time with friends, and crocheting. I've definitely had my zone out moments though when I just sit and stare at that TV.

Part of me is really freaking out about packing up all my shit and getting it into storage in a reasonable time. Another huge part of me is freaking out about finding someone to rent my place. Yet there is a huge zen part of me that knows I'll deal with shit as it comes. Things happen for a reason. If not then you just deal with it. Ya know? I used to freak out and really worry and not sleep at all, but I've gotten better and just dealing with stuff when the time comes and not worry about it so much before hand.

I'll be home in four days after two days of travel. I hate flying. The flights down were the bumpiest I'd had in a long time and they completely freaked me out. Especially leaving Anchorage to come back here to Boulder. It was making the plane creak and groan. If the flights are like that I'm going to be completely miserable. Took all I had in me to not cry. I'm turning into such a wuss. This is precisely why I will never be able to go on a roller coaster ride.

coffee mugs and friends

Do you ever change coffee mugs because you haven't washed the coffee mug you normally use for about a week and realize the fit of the replacement is better for your hand? Just feels more natural. I think I might be switching coffee mugs. I hope my other coffee mug doesn't mind very much. Maybe it'll just think that I'm taking turns.

I've recently decided to quit graduate school. I thought when I started graduate school that it might have been what I was looking for. What I was passionate about. Turns out it wasn't. It wasn't making me happy. It won't make me happy. And I think I could have done it and succeeded. But I would have been pretty miserable. It would have been safe. It's much scarier saying I don't want this I'm going to look for something else. Something I might never find, might never succeed at even if I do find out what I want.

Quitting graduate school really opened my eyes to how blessed I am in family and friends. Everyone that I consider close to me has been full of support and love and encouragement. I honestly did not think that would happen. I expected a lot of arguing. A lot of "I'm disappointed." It blew my mind. How I got so blessed I'll never know, but I'm thankful everyday for the people that I love. Especially my mother. I'd be lost without her.

Right now I'm looking at options on the home front. I've applied for a job at the post office at home. I've always wanted to work at a post office, since we were drawing what we wanted to be when we grew up in kindergarten. I need to get my fingerprints done today or tomorrow and get the paper portion of the application in the mail. That work would be temporary and part-time which would help me get my feet back under me. Also, there is a program in Alaska called AKT2, which is a non-traditional teacher certification program. The deadline is passed for this year, but I have some folks trying to get me into the program. I would take a 3 week course over the summer and get a temporary teacher's certificate. Then I would be able to teach in a school district in Alaska and over the course of 2 years I would study and get a teacher's certificate while working. It's amazing how these opportunities seemed to present themselves after I made this decision.

I'm slowly starting to purge myself of some of my crap. Not nearly enough I'm sure but I'm trying. I'm moving DVD's to a case and have thrown away two bags of raggy clothes and have two bags ready to drop off for thrift. I need to sell my walker, my papasan, and a few other things, but I think a lot of stuff is just going into storage. I'm actually really proud of the fact that I was able to get rid of so much clothing. If I didn't have craftwork I'd have a lot less to store as well. Curse of the crafty, I guess.

Today's going to be a long day. I couldn't sleep last night, try as I may. I tossed and turned and curled up and stayed awake through it all. I'm hoping my hours move into something more normal when I'm at home.

If anyone wants a crazy, wonderful, fucked up read. Go for Permanent Midnight by Jerry Stahl.

If anyone wants a good listen go for The Exponents. :) 80's genius dear friends.

If anyone wants a light hearted N64 game go for Paper Mario.

confusion

I've been asking a lot of different people what I should do right now in my life with regards to grad school. Deep down I know it will have to be my decision. And deep down, it'll have to be a decision that I have to live with, that I will have to be happy with. A decision that I ultimately have to make on my own. For my own reasons.

I feel in my heart that if I stay in school, that I will be staying in school because everyone around me is voting that I stay in school. Everyone wants me to stay in school and to be in school because I'm capable of so much. I can do this. I should do this. Job security. Why not? It's only two years. What else would you do? Will you be happy if you quit? Why shouldn't you do this? Is this something you really want to give up on? Isn't it worth it? Will you be happy settling for something else?

Everyone around me wants me to "succeed" and I almost feel like it's for their reasons. They want me to succeed because I can. And if I don't then I'm wasting something. I don't want to devote my life to math. Struggling over roughly 17 problems a week that take hours upon hours does not appeal to me. Not even for 2 years. I don't want to sit in an office. I don't want to teach, I don't mind tutoring, but I don't want to teach.

I don't know what I want in life. I hung out with some very dear friends and some new friends this evening. And the one thing that I came away with was "I DONT KNOW." I walked this in the snow as I walked home in circles and thought about what I wanted in life. The only real answer I have right now is I don't know. I know very little, I know I love my family. I know I want to be here for them. I know I want time for craft work. I know I want time to read. I know that I want to travel. I know I want time with my mother, with my nephew, with my community. None of this amounts to me knowing anything definite about my future.

I'm absolutely terrified of not knowing what I want in life, what I want with grad school and if I'm staying in grad school because I'm scared, that's yet another reason not to be there. I'm scared of people thinking I'm a failure because I don't want grad school. I think I know what I need to do. But I don't know if I'm ready to live up to all the implications that come with my decision.

thinks my fish are rad

And that I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them just hanging out. That's one thing that I'm going to really miss in the coming years. Time to sit and read or to sit and crochet, at least without feeling guilty. Whenever I take time to do something that isn't homework I feel extremely guilty and it just doesn't come with the enjoyment that it used to. I haven't even taken time to bead since I left home. It kind of makes me sad. Makes me question this whole grad school thing even more than I already am. Frustrating.

This weekend was a much need break that I took regardless of homework and reading and studying. I drove to Durango on Thursday night after my classes and help lab hours. I got in at about 1 and was completely zoned for most of the drive. Normally I do some of my best thinking when I'm driving but this time my mind just cleared. Empty. Long empty hours. Friday morning I slept in and then went to lunch with Gretchen, Matt, and Ozzy. I always feel better seeing how happy she is. We talked about some options for if I decide that I don't want to devote my life to math for the next 6 years. Here's what came up:

• getting my CDL
• being a mailman or a postmaster
• going to grad school for something else
• just getting my Master's not my Ph. D.

All viable options. I've wanted my CDL for years and I've wanted to play with mail since I was in grade school. I even found a paper this past year when I was at home saying that I wanted to be a postmaster when I grew up. Genius.

After visiting with G, M, and O, I went up to campus to see if any of my teacher folk were around. Erich was so I sat and visited with him for a while until the tutoring center got busy. Ha... I even ended up helping out some kids. Funny how you just fall into that. He said that the first year was the hardest and it's because you're focusing on passing the Prelims. Which is encouraging and also discouraging at the same time. It's nice to know that he said it was hard, makes me feel less badly about how hard everything is for me. Again... encouraging.

Mikey finally sold Baskin and is now working just fully at Wagon Wheel. He was there when I stopped by and visited for a bit. I wish I could go back and work for him. I think I'd like a brainless job right now at this juncture in my life. After that I entered grades and zoned out in front of the TV till Kirsten got off of work. We went to dinner at Season's (both of us hadn't eaten there before ever!) As we were walking there, we passed the Ranch and I knew everyone standing around outside. We were slightly delayed by hugs and catching up with people. So fun! After Season, we cruised through Orio's for purple fuckers, peeked in at the disturbing Ponga's remake, and then went to the Ranch where we spent the duration of the evening. A bunch of people came and it was great, great fun. And great, great stress release.

Day two: Saturday. Slept in, and then went to lunch at Steamworks with Carl, Janice, Gretchen, Ozzy and Kirsten. It was sooo good to talk to Carl, just like it was good to talk with Erich. He took more time off than me and was able to relate to me in getting a slow start. But he said that means I'm just taking in a lot more now and will be able to in the future so I'll surpass everyone else. I just laughed but it's a fun notion. We must have sat around for 2 hours. It was good. Poor Kirsten was probably really bored with all the math talk but she was a trooper! She was surprised how close I am with my professors. I know it's because the department is so small and they're just so amazing. I consider myself really, really blessed because of that.

Saturday night was dinner at China Cafe, only the best Chinese food in the state of Colorado. Yum. After that we cruised on over to her friend Heather's for some chill time before karaoke at the tavern. Karaoke was one of those magical nights when no one is there for most of the evening. We got to sing a lot. I got to visit with Brian, who is sometimes to busy to sit and have a chat. Lots of laughs were had and it was just an incredible evening. Love, love, love singing Journey. It was epic as always. Zeke had a few good laughs at me just because I'm so ridiculous all the time. Great stuff.

My day of driving started out at 1. Not as early as I'd like but early enough. It was beautiful and a perfect driving day. I thought more on the drive back here to Boulder than I did on the drive to Durango. It's strange to me that I don't think of Boulder as home yet. Right now home is in Unalakleet with my Mom. I'm going to give this grad school a year to see if it settles into me more. I'm going to work on being better at managing my time. And I'm going to stop writing this blog and get to work on my homework. Or at least run to the store and get some detergent so I can do my laundry and then do my homework.

Coffee, coffee, coffee

I don't know if grad school is getting a little better or if I'm just getting used to the grueling pace of studying all the time. I also feel like stuff is slowly clicking back into place and I'm understanding more but as soon as I understand something we've moved onto something new so I don't really feel like I'm making any progress although I have to be making some kind of progress or I wouldn't be keeping up, right? I'm still not sure I'm entirely capable of doing this but I'm doing my best.

I wish I could spend all day and night on math and love it and crave it. But I need time for other stuff. I have to socially interact with people and not talk about math. I have to do my craft work and cook actual meals not just eat crap from restaurants and insta-meals. I wish I had time to read something other than a text book. I wish I had time to take weekend trips. I'm suddenly realized how great I had it as an undergrad and am so freaking glad that I took advantage of it.

My mom has been my biggest support so far in this insane venture of mine. I can call her at any time and vent and cry or just tell her about my day or hear about hers. It's amazing to know that she doesn't care if I succeed or fail as long as I gave it my best and tried. We were going to try and to quit calling each other everyday and now that just seems silly. I want to talk to her everyday and miss her everyday so why not? :) Best friends should talk everyday.

Aune Mieke comes to visit this Friday and is staying till the following Saturday. I'm so excited to see her and get a big old hug from her. A real hug with lots and lots of love in it. I'm having a party to welcome her here/a house warming party. I'm excited because it's my first party in my still relatively new house! Then on Saturday I think Alex is having a birthday party, a dinner type party. And Sunday I think we're going with Adam through a corn maze and having dinner with him and possibly winning pumpkins! A fabulous weekend I think! Monday will be back to school and work and Aune heads to Colorado Springs Tues through Thurs and then back to me for Friday and Saturday. No plans for that weekend yet but I'm sure quality time will be on the books and maybe some exploring of Boulder. I'm sooo excited to have company.

New era of life

So I've started grad school. I'm a week into it. And I'm not so scared of the recitations I'm teaching anymore, but I am very intimidated by the level of math that I'm doing. I've never really had to work that hard at math. It's come naturally to me. I have the distinct feeling that I'm going to be doing a large amount of work studying and reading and re-studying and re-reading. Daunting, but doable I think.

Being in front of the classroom isn't nearly as scary as I made it up to be. I actually had nightmares about it before hand. In my dream (nightmare) I missed my recitations because I was busy doing something else. I woke up and was completely freaked out. So I got up early at 7 am, way early for me. And went to campus a half an hour early, just in case something went wrong. I got to class 10 minutes early and there were already people there! I pulled out my worksheets and the notes I'd written down so I wouldn't forget my name. Then I sat there for the remaining 8 minutes in silence staring. It was so freaking uncomfortable. It didn't help with my nerves at all. I started class about a minute early and was kind of stuttery and hestitant. They didn't have any questions for me so I just started them right in on the worksheet. They seemed pretty tired and slow moving, but once they started talking to each other and asking me questions I felt a lot better and was able to move into a fairly comfortable state of mind. The questions they were asking me I knew inside and outside, it was all material the was familiar to me and something tangible I could deal with. It fit me like a well worn shoe. Which was strange. I didn't think I'd feel that way about being in front of a class.

When I was in Bozeman visiting J, he passed on some books to me. One of them was The Living Dead, which is a compilation of Zombie short stories and I'm absolutely in love with it. Some of the zombies are semi-intelligent and others are the mindless come after you type. It's a good book to take with and read sporatically on errands because the stories are short enough that you don't actually lose your place. I'd recommend it as a fun read. Zombies are my new favorite scary thing if you hadn't guessed.