Silence

The day was bright with only wisps of clouds in the sky. A man with a wrinkled brow and a weathered face sat outside. The wind tousled his hair that had gone straw-like with age. A crowd was around him, silent. A woman that was still a girl walked up and sat in the chair next to him. "How are you this beautiful day?"

 

There was only silence in return. She wondered why there was no response. Maybe his hearing was gone. She asked again, a little louder, "How are you doing these days?"

Still, there was only silence. With hesitant hands she unpinned the withered corsage from his coat and put on a fresh one. It was crimson, lovely arranged with a bit of fern and baby's breath. The woman's face had a far away look as memories flood back of her childhood. As a child she would sit on her daddy's lap, and smell the sweetness of the rose pinned to his lapel. Shaking her head she jumped back into the now. "Do you know I'm in college? I do quite well, but I don't have a real goal in mind."

 

The silence was deafening. Looking to her hands folded in her lap, she wondered if he was proud of her. He had never finished High School because of family troubles. Maybe graduating from college would break the silent spell that he had spun upon her.

 

She had worn her best pair of jeans and a forest green sweater. Green had been his favorite color. He had loved being outdoors. Once upon a time they had gone camping for weeks on end. There had been so much to share. Spying on animals through trees, picking berries, learning about edible plants, and most of all how much he loved his little girl.

Words died on her lips as she started to say something and then stopped because of his silence. She tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear and tried once last time. "I met someone. He's a really great guy. He works in a restaurant as a chef. I think he might be the one."

Again only silence. If this man was the one, would her father walk her down the aisle? Would he give her away? Or would he sit here silent?

 

There was nothing left for her to say and although there were many questions, she knew there would be no answers. And there never would be. He had taken himself out of her life permanently. With a sad smile and a heavy heart she walked home from the cemetery.

Flux

Flux -or- An Update on the Life of a Panda (for those interested in what’s happening in my life)

 

A short recap. I quit my job at the Native Village of Unalakleet in November 2016.

 

I moved to a boyfriend’s homestead outside of Philipsburg, MT in February 2017.

 

I knew moving would be a catalyst, going from a long distance relationship to living together just is. It either would work or it wouldn’t work. And I would never know unless I actually did it.

 

There were a few things that happened leading up to me moving that made me hesitate, so I gave myself a fairly decent cushion, so I could move back to Alaska if I needed to. I didn’t want to end up stuck in a situation that wasn’t working for me. (Sometimes I’m really happy that I’m an over planner.)

 

Moving in was a smooth transition. The first couple months worked really well. Remarkably well. Turns out I thrive living in a homestead environment. However one of the things that happened (that caused me to hesitate) before I moved in started influencing things more and more. It felt like his dreams grew bigger than our relationship. And while I supported his dreams, I still needed to feel a connection and for there to be an element of our dreams.

 

Things happened and in the first part of June, I told him I was moving back to Alaska and that I would like to go back to a long distance relationship with him (because that was working before). In the end I officially ended all things with him in the end of July.

 

It was hard for me to give up my dream of living on the homestead with him. It had been my dreams for the past three+ years. It was hard breaking up with my first love, my first relationship.

 

In order to help me move (and because she wanted some rad new wheels) my mama let me buy a car for her in Missoula, which I used to move my stuff off the homestead. She’s graciously letting me borrow her wheels to go on a crazy road trip adventure around the Western part of the US. Soon I’ll be making the journey up the AlCan with said things and moving back to the village for a bit.

 

I’m not sure yet what my new direction will be. I’m sure something interesting will cross my path. But for now, I’m adventuring and being happy. And that’s a good thing.