Because it's not warm enough to wear dresses solo these days

I really wanted to wear a dress.  Or at least dress up more than my typical jeans and t-shirt.  So I went with a dress AND a zippy up thing and some jeans that I made skinny because I was curious how they would look on me.  The dress I got for summer time in Durango and ended up wearing it as a witness for my friends wedding.  It's super light and summery.  Which was perfect for Durango.  Not so perfect for Unalakleet.

I love the pandas on my shoulder.

The orange zippy-thing I got from Ms Marty Osredker for my birthday.  It looks fantastic when it's unzipped and I love it.  However when you zip it up it has a bulge from the zipper is a fairly unattractive place.  My Mom suggested that I replace the zipper and gather the material a little bit.  This is a genius idea and I'll probably get around to it one of these days.  But for now it shall remain an unzipped accoutrement to other articles of clothing.

The jeans.  Not so bad.  Unless you can see my lack of ass then they're kind of awkward.

The jeans are from Old Navy.  But originally they were a boot cut or a wide leg or a flare.  And they were HUGE.  They didn't fit my hips or but or anything.  However they were stretchy and about $4.  So I bought em knowing I could always resize them.  The first time I resized them, I just cut em down and kept 'em as flares.  I still wasn't very keen on them.  And I was curious about skinny jeans for my winter boots.  This let to me cutting them down sewing 'em into skinny jeans.  This worked surprisingly well for me.  So now I have skinny jeans.  And I like the pairing with the dress.  So there.

I just looked up at the leg picture and realized the my socks MATCH my dress.  This was not intentional.  I don't ever think about my socks.  But it is a very pleasant surprise.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is tough.  How do you forgive someone and not forget the hurt?  How do you learn to guard your heart against further hurt?  I don't think I have this down yet.  I think I forgive people and accept their apologies.  I slowly ease the hurt that crushed me and destroyed a little of the self-confidence that I struggle to build up.  But it changes my relationship with the individual forever.

If there was a lie, there's now doubt.  If there was a broken promise, there is a little bit of a broken heart.  If there was screaming and yelling and name calling, the words that were said sneak into my head and into my heart.  There is an impact.  An apology doesn't make the words that were said disappear.  Should the apology restore the relationship to it's former state?  Can it?  Wouldn't it just lead to being in the same situation?

I have past experience with a friend that has lied to me, not followed through with promises, ignored my calls, stood me up, disappointing me and hurting me time and time again.  I can't even think of all the times that I've bawled by myself in a car, at the airport, in a hotel room because I've tried to hang out with her.  I forgive, over time I forget.  I get hurt again.  Something has to change.  And since nothing has changed with her, clearly something has to change with me.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  Therefore, my conclusion is to let the friendship go.

Which is tough and hurtful itself.  You share your life with someone for so long and have so many experiences and memories with so much potential for more.  How can it be possible to give that up?  And yet, do the few good moments outweigh the hurt?  Where is the line that I can walk to protect my heart and yet still forgive someone?

I don't understand.

An Anchorage day with bestie

Recently I spent a few days here and there in Anchorage, where my bestie is moving to.  We were able to spend a bit of time together.  She helped me (well she hung out with me, due to a busted foot she mostly just followed me around in a little vroom-vroom cart) do some running around.

Front view

Slightly closer view

My socks.  :)

Sunshine and summer



Damn, look at my freckles

 My freckles are all over my freakin' face right now.  This is a direct result of my running and walking outside.  And I'm tickled pink that I'm trying to get healthier, but I didn't really think that my freckles would take over my whole face.  I wish I knew where my freckles and my curly hair came from.  The curly hair I can work with but every summer I have to come to terms with the fact my face gets spots.  SPOTS.  Speckled.  They can be cute.  I've been told their cute, but I like my skin.  I like it in the winter anyways.

This year for my birthday, my friends were a little bit lame.  Or uncoordinated.  Something.  Dragonheart pulled through with flying colors and made my evening, maybe not my livers but certainly mine...  She also invited a friend of hers, who I've met on occasion before, who also had an April birthday.  Now, when I've met this fella before, I'd been in my typical running around like a crazy woman trying to get shit done in Anchorage outfit: jeans and a tshirt or a hoody.  Because it was my birthday I was dolled up a bit.  I had my new sequin-y dress on and my new bootie type heels, my hair was fixed and I was wearing make up.  He said, and I do my best to quote accurately, "You should dress up more often."  How flattering and sweet and absolutely wonderful to hear.  This does relate to my skin, truly.  We begin our night with food, drink and talk.  After a bar hop we were discussing the fact that I was wearing make up.  I said, "All I'm wearing is mascara and eyeliner."  The guy was turning away and finished what he was saying, did a double take and looked back at me and said, "Wow, you have amazing skin."  An incredible compliment.  Any compliment makes me feel good but a specific compliment about something I feel good about is even better.  Especially when it's spontaneous like that.

Things

I've been on a buying things kick lately.  This is one of my new presents to myself.  I'd been looking at this top for months though.  Trying to convince myself to spent the money on it. I'm glad I did.  I got a dress that's very similar to the top part of the band, and then it's a light lime green on the bottom part below the bust.  That dress is coming with me on my trip to Anchorage/Bethel/Juneau.

I have a donkey expression on my face

 I'm never going to be a minimalist.  I realize its a more environmentally conscious way to live but I am too attached to stuff.  And while I pare it down, or at least attempt to, somewhat regularly, more stuff always manages to replace the old stuff.  Especially being a crafter.  You save everything that could possibly used for this project or that project.  My Mom has been spring cleaning and going through stuff, this usually inspires me to act in a similar manner.  Which makes me think of all the stuff that I have in storage in Boulder.  And I miss that crap.  I feel sill for doing so, because it's just that - crap.  Bizarre.  Humans are bizarre creatures.

Eyes...

I like these eyes.
This is a work in progress.  I'm trying to re embrace drawing.  I'm definitely out of practice, but it's fun.

There's a wild, wild whisper blowing in the wind

I guess now is qualified as springtime.  But its still bloody cold most of the time.  The wind is a huge factor in this.  Unalakleet is just a windy place.  So it doesn't feel incredibly springy to me.  The pussy willows are out which is lightening the country side up a teensy bit, but there is still so much brown.  I can't wait till there are true leaves on the trees and the tundra starts to grow and blossom.  It will definitely make my runs more enjoyable.  Running outside is infinitely more enjoyable than running inside.  I'm glad I finally got over my embarrassment of running where people can see me.  People have actually been wonderfully encouraging about it.  Byron Bruckner rolled down his window and cheered me on saying "Way to go Sissy!" as I was running up the first little hill.  Ariel Tweto gave me a massive thumbs up as she cruised by me in a vehicle.  These little things make an individual feel good.

I never know what to do with my face when I take a picture

Best socks ever from my Mom.

I definitely don't fit the norm of what people wear around these parts.  I got my favorite plaid top from ebay because it has the snap buttons.  You can't really tell but I had to add a strip of fabric down each side in order for it to fit me.  The arms and shoulders fit but it was a fitted style of shirt so my tummy didn't quite fit in it right.  (I just used the word fit a lot in that sentence.)  Luckily I know my way around tearing out a seam and adding a piece of fabric in.  Altering is such a handy skill to have.  My cut offs used to be full on jeans, but the bottoms wore out due to me stepping on them all the time so I chopped em up and patched the holes.  They're super soft and comfy now.  The socks were an Easter/birthday gift from my mother.  Come to think of it, I think she bought my shoes too.  I'm a spoiled girl and I think it's great.