Lay your heavy head to rest.

Consumerism is upon us. Or wait I mean Christmas. Ha. :) Which mean that there will be an increase in trash. When I think about how our society is destroying the planet on which we live and that sending out 26 bags of cans to be recycled compared to the bales and bales of garbage that we put in the landfill it just doesn't seem like it will make a difference. It's overwhelming. And saddening. I guess I need to keep repeating to myself the one day at a time mantra.

I've had my iPod on shuffle all week going through just a teensy bit of my music and Day of the Baphomets by The Mars Volta came on and I fell in love with it. So genius. I've listened to it about 10 times today. Right off the bat it the bass line just pulls me in. And then everything gets going and just entrances me. So marvelously complex. And then the lead singers voice just jumps down into my gut and makes me feel good. My office mate is probably going to come in and smack me on the back of the head if I listen to it again. The last time I found a song that I could listen to over and over again was Reincarnation Waltz, by my friend Patrick Murphy. So good. Music is just so good.

It's sleeting/raining out and yucky. I'm supposed to be getting on a plane and going into Anchorage tomorrow. :( If it doesn't happen I probably won't be going into Anchorage till next weekend. And Amanda is going to be there and I really want to be there. I really hope it clears up by tomorrow afternoon or I'm gonna be one super sad panda.

Someday you will find me

caught beneath a landslide.

I love music. I haven't been listening to it enough lately.

I have been rather crafty as of late though. I've finished a number of projects that had been hanging over my head for a good bit. They were for the most part small projects. And now I have rather large projects looming over me. I will conquer them over the winter as I'm hiding out from the snow.

I don't have anything to say, other than I'm tired and hungry and my head is a wee bit swirly from the beer I over consumed last night.

i love cooking

and i especially love cooking for people. i made pizza tonight and stuffed bell peppers. stuffed bell peppers is definitely becoming one of my favorite foods to cook and eat. especially with caribou. yum. freaking yum. i added some onions and mushrooms to the filling today. i think i should saute up some minced garlic next time and toss it in there. i'm drooling just thinking about it.

lee and odie brought banana bread and blueberry pie for dessert. they picked blueberries yesterday and oh man the pie was so freaking amazing i had two pieces. :) perfy end to the dinner. especially with french vanilla ice cream. i'm really happy that we had two pieces of pie left over. i guarentee you i'll be eating one tomorrow, if not later on this evening.

i haven't been able to cook for the last two weeks because of all the traveling that i was doing. denver for a week and anchorage for a week after that. i don't think i've ever cooked when i've been traveling. which kinda sucks because i end up cooking for the same people over and over again. and i don't think they mind but it'd be fun to change up my audience. and then i would get different opinions on improving my favorite recipes. which i realize is fairly dorky.

i think i'm still uncertain about cooking for strangers but i am mostly confident cooking for friends. i know for the longest time i didn't really feel comfortable cooking for anyone except for myself because i used to rush things and fuck things up all the time. even when i was trying sooooper hard. although i think part of it is that i've relaxed about cooking and just kind of go with it and roll with the punches, sometimes things don't turn out quite right but there are little things you can do to fix them and with enough practice you figure out what they are.

i'm wearing wool socks right now and my feel are super hot.

Things to do

Pick beach strawberries.

Pick blueberries.

Pick salmonberries.

Pick blackberries.

Pick cranberries.

Well you get the idea. :)


Bottle my apple wine and then start blueberry rhubarb wine.

Put fish away with Momma.

Make fireweed jelly.

Clean out sheds.

Beautiful

Previously in my life the word beautiful had only been used to describe sunsets, artwork and amazing math proofs. However, I met a guy or knew a guy or know a guy that used the word a lot in reference to me. This was a very new thing. At first it was a joke to me, but after a good bit of time it became something real to me. The word/idea/concept became defined in a way that was more than the perfect picture or the platonic ideal of whatever you were thinking of.

Maybe my previous friends just didn't like using the word, or didn't see me that way. I don't really know. I do know that certain friends that I have now use the word freely, without thought of gain or reciprocation, directed at me. It makes me feel incredible and so worthy of the attention that I crave and that I seem to get, even when I don't understand how or why.

I need to think about this more and reformulate my words and thoughts.

Music

I can always listen to music and it always makes me feel lighter. Even heavy, dark music, or lethargic music. Something about it just jumps inside of me and strokes the parts of me that aren't normally touched. A certain song comes on and every cell in my body takes a deep breath and feels so red they're almost incandescent. It's incredibly liberating for all that it could be the hundredth time I've heard that song.

Each time I hear a song that I'm particularly in love with at the moment. I hear something new. Or it finds some place new in me to creep into.

Where does a song come from? I know it's written, and it's lived in a person for so long before it comes out. But does it come from every atom in them, moving all together and forming in their brain and heart, flowing out of their throats and fingers. Or does it come from motion and sound and the life that is going around them. Coming in through whatever connection that they have with the other entities that we share this world with, transforming within them to something that has such power over individuals as soon as the notes touch their timpanic membranes.

And music does have power. Tangible power. In addition to having the ability to move a man to tears and turn thousands of people into an impenatreble mass of movement and blood and sweat, it can destroy the sense of hearing, it can bring a forgotten memory to the surface of them mind. It can cause me to fall in love for an eternity, and I am a creature who is only on this earth for a moment.

Oh I ramble. I guess I just wanted to say that I love music with every resonating cell in my body.

A day....

The morning was dreary. Grays muddled with other grays becoming one big blob of gloom that blocked out the sun. The air look cool and damp. As I gazed out my window framed by curtains tied up in knots, I wondered if I'd have anything to do at work. One last glance at the bland sky and I turned taking my sagging sweat pants off and tossing them on my bed. I adjusted my panties and looked at the pair of jeans I'd worn yesterday halfway in and out of my laundry basket.
How many days had I worn them already? Huh... I couldn't remember.
I grabbed them and slid the cracked and worn belt through the loops. The jeans were tossed into the basket, the belt was tossed on my bed on top of my sweats. I pulled open two drawers, one directly over the other. Black socks were pulled out of the top drawer, pulled on and then the drawer was closed. Next drawer. My hands picked up the first pair of pants that came into view. Without unzipping or unbuttoning them I pulled them up my legs and over my ass, or rather, lack thereof.
You see, without an ass there is no need to unbutton or unzip your jeans. It probably saves time in the long run, but damn what wouldn't I do just for a little bootyliciousness. Not an entire pie of booty, but just a slice.
Pulling open the top drawer, I selected a black t-shirt and pulled it over my head, over the tank top I'd slept in.
Black Crowes. Okay. I can wear pot smoking crows to work.
I reached for the belt on my sweats and laced it through it's loops, starting one loop right of the zipper. One handed I buckled the flame and picked up my red shoulder bag. Contents: ipod, planner, wallet, checkbook, eye drops, earphones, and an empty water bottle. My eyes flicked to my desk to see if anything had fallen out. Nope. Down the stairs, ducking under the ceiling and into the kitchen I walked.
"Good morning."
"Morning."
Which is definitely not the type of person that I am. I shuffled around making myself some oatmeal. As the scent of maple and brown sugar wafted through the air out of the microwave, I peeled and ate a hard boiled egg. Some of the egg white stuck to the membrane attached to the shell. What a waste. I drank water. I flipped open my laptop that had been sitting ignored on the kitchen table. Password typed in, I waited for it to full wake up and realize it's potential. I maximized Internet Explorer and refreshed my Facebook page, eternally open and sucking my life away. I had 6 new notifications. Opening a new window for each notification, I scrolled through the most recent updates from the people that I deemed interesting enough not to remove from my feed. Click. Type. Click. Type. Click. Type. Click. Comments were responded to. All but two windows were closed. I switched over to Gmail and refreshed my inbox. No new messages. Great. Nothing to do at work today. I closed my computer and looked at my Mom sitting across the table from me, steam rising from her cup, smile playing in her eyes, the corner of her lips.
"You excited for today?"
"I suppose. I'll be happy when the travel part is over."
We'd had this conversation before. My Mom hates the hassle of flying, especially when she's doing it solo. However talking is important. Having someone care about your day to day shit makes you feel like a worth while human being. So even though I'm not a morning person, I try.
"Yeah. Makes sense. Then you can get into all the fun stuff. Are you going to send anything?" I smiled.
"You wish. What do you want?" Her voice was bright. Finally the morning person had someone to chat with.
"Salad. You know that Chinese kind. Or wait no the Asian kind."
"Yeah, I could probably manage that. Maybe in a priority mail box on Monday. That would make it here. Wouldn't it?"
"Really? You're going to send me salad?" Excitement mounted in my voice. "I bet it's cheaper in Anchorage. I'm sure it'd do fine in the mail. It's not that warm yet." My voice dropped. "Aw crap, I suppose it's that time."
"Work?"
"Yep."
My long day flashed before my eyes as I grabbed a light, zip up sweater from the coat racks. I could see it perfectly. I'd walk out the door, bike to work, enter the building, start my computer, make coffee, and then wish I'd have shit to do. One arm in one sleeve, the other arm in the other sleep. Zip. I picked up my shoulder bag and walked out the door.
"See ya later."
"Have a good day."
What comfort we feel in such silly words said hundreds of times a year, thousands in a lifetime. I felt bolstered with a little leap upwards in my mind, the well wish and the bright air kissing my skin. Maybe today wouldn't be as screamingly monotonous as the previous day. Rocky soil crunched under my shoes.
"Hey dog."
Left hand on the handle bars, right hand on the seat, I nudged the kick stand with my left foot and turned my bike away from the shed and out facing the lumpy path out to the road. Left foot on the left pedal. Hop. Push. Hop. I swung my right leg over the seat and started pedaling away feeling the familiar sensation of my muscles pumping around in circles. Wind caught my hair and I felt wisps loosen, pulled out of my pony tail by it's caressing glances. I moved through space and time, mind roiling with thoughts the entire time.
Will I see the sun today?
Crap. Slow down. Avoid the damn puddle. Shit needs to dry up already.
Should I text him hello? Would he even answer?
There's still too much snow. It needs to melt so I can actually have work to do.
I shouldn't text him. Let it go.
This is stupid. Stop thinking about him.
Is that a rock in my shoe?
I should exercise today. Maybe walk. I wonder if Jason will want to go.
What a cool guy. I love that he's my friend.
I stopped pedaling. My bike rolled to a stop in front of a bright orange post, scratched and rusted. Hands placed exactly the same as when I started, I flip the kick stand down and rest my bike on it. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. My mind counted the steps unconsciously as I climbed up them. I drifted through the door, the hall, into my office. I flipped open my laptop and pressed the power button. Too lazy to make fresh coffee I poured day old coffee into my unwashed cup and meandered back to the kitchen. 1:30. Start. :46. Wait. :01. Good enough. I grabbed my cup, warmth flowing from the ceramic into my flesh.
Heat. What am amazing thing. Causes sweat. Melts water. Cooks food. So much more. Another meaning. Heat between two people. The look in someone's eyes when they realize they contain desire. The darker look when they actualize desire. Enough.
My ass settled into my office chair.

nothing

i can't sleep. i'm tired of feeling like a cliche.

i accidently ripped the nail off of part of my right big toe. i can feel it when i rub my "pointer" toe on it. it's not exactly pain but it's not exactly a good feeling either. irritating? awareness? i'm sure it'll hurt tomorrow when i'm wearing socks and shoes but for now it's just there.

i just need you now. it's a quarter after one. i'm a little lost and i need you now.

i played super mario bros. wii a little tonight beacuse i couldn't sleep. it was the first time i'd played it since karis left to anchorage. i enjoyed it. i love my video games but it just wasn't the same. no yelling and screaming. no heart thumping close calls. just silence and the now and then sound a big man, a fire flower, a goomba getting stomped and mario dying. maybe i should switch to metroid prime for a while.

texts from last night always amuses me. however i'm all caugh up on reading the new ones and don't feel like randomizing. i'd probably stay up way too late, which i'm already doing if i started doing that.

the d key on my keyboard keeps falling off. i'm trying to teach myself to type with it off but it just feels like a weird nipple. awkward.

i wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff. you should email me if you do. or write me a letter. i like letters.

i don't really have anything to say tonight, just pulling whatever comes to my mind and pushing it out in an attempt to get rid of thoughts that are keeping me awake. thoughts that are haunting me. such a big unknown. such a happy life. such a strange life.

training or rather a hazwoper course starts tomorrow. 4 - 10 hour days. because of lack of sleep it'll be a doozy. i'm really hoping i don't do my typical head bob thing. i struggle staying awake when my mind isn't active. too bad i can't control very well when it's active and when it's numb. that'd be okay with me if i could.

i'm going to visit miss ayaire at the end of this month/beginning of next month. i'm super stoked on that. she always builds me up and makes me feel like an incredible person. i love people that build you up and encourage you. i try to do that for people in my life and i'm never sure if i do or not.

My hair is getting long again.

It's a sure sign that time is moving. I was talking with a friend about this the other day as we were walking. Time and space are always changing and moving and you're never in the same place ever. When you're staring off into the distance looking at something far away, you're not actually seeing what is there. You're seeing what was there. It takes time for stuff to reach your eyes. Things have already changed and become something else by the time you actually see them. It's a fairly strange concept.

I feel like that's how I see things in my life. I look at things far away because I keep things far away from me. And by the time something reaches my eyes, it's already changed. It's already different. Maybe it was one thing at one point in time that I was seeing, and now... it's not. I don't know. I need to stop thinking about this for awhile. Sometimes thoughts are just too big. Too much for my little mind and my little heart.

I started a new big project. :) It's a beautiful, or rather will be a beautiful afghan for my Mom. The colors are amazing and it's very creatively done. It's crocheted in a combination of smaller pieces sewn together, crocheted on and then more small pieces added. I'm enjoying the change of pace. Beading is just not holding my attention right now. Neither is knitting. I would like to do a few more small projects though just so I can feel like I'm accomplishing something. It makes things more manageable and feel more possible.

I'm sometimes overwhelmed by everything that I would like to do in my life. All the books I want to read and all the projects I'd like to do. All of the places that I would like to visit. Everyone that I want to see and spend time with. For today though, it's enough to crochet and spend time with my Mom.

Patience

is definitely not one of my strong suits. I'm definitely an immediate gratification kind of girl. Maybe that's why I'm so bad at this whole job hunting thing, among other things that I'm bad at. There's quite a few, trust me, I know. I've been regularly unemployed for 2 and a half months now and I'm really freaking over it. It is making me fairly agitated in all aspects of my life. I know my poor mother has had to deal with my sarcasm and my angst over it on more than one occasion. Being a nice patient person is something that I definitely need to work on, in addition to being civil to the person or people that I live with, especially when I am grumpy. I hate that I'm spoiled and am used to getting what I want, when I want. I know that it's not an amazingly attractive quality. And I'm fair sure it's rather obnoxious.

Mom and I have been into bonding mode the past few days. We played Trivial Pursuit twice. Once was just us two and the other time was with Miss Karis Koett, who was in from Koyuk on her way to Anchorage. I really miss having that girl here in the village. Tonight Mom and I watched the first Harry Potter and did a puzzle. It was only 500 pieces and tooks us an hour exactly. Needless to say I think we need to stick with 750 or more piece puzzles. She bought me a 2000 piece puzzle and I'm tickled pink over and can't wait to do. Now I just have to convince her to spend a day and do the puzzle with me. Or we could start out with one of the 1500 piece puzzles that I convinced her to get.

Slowly but surely me excercising and attempting to eat healthy has been having it's benefits. It's such an obnoxious thing. Food is just such a wonderful thing. It smells good, tastes good, has all kinds of wonderful textures. I'll never be a tiny skinny person, but I'd like to be healthier. I hope I don't lose my boobs, because I'm quite fond of them. I know a lot of women tend to lose and gain weight there first. So far they've been sticking around. I just hope it stays that way.

It's be below zero for too long as far as I'm concerned. I'm so not a fan of the cold. I hate tingly thighs and a numb face whenever I spend more than a minute outside. It's supposedly supposed to get to 20 above next week. I can't freaking wait. I might even take a walk outside. Ha.

trying.

I am trying to change some physical aspects of my life and I'm so not the biggest fan. I don't think I'll ever be someone who likes to exercise. Let me sit and play video games and I'll go for hours. I can sit and crochet or knit very happily for hours. I can read for hours. Hours fly by when I'm doing beadwork. Five minutes running and all I can think is I want to stop running. It kinda sucks and yet I'm sitting here laughing at myself because of it regardless. Puh.

Trying to get a job here in Unalakleet for a year or more is kinda hard. So far it's not going that amazingly well. Or rather it's going okay but it's kinda slower that I'd prefer. In the meantime I'm doing beadwork to make some spare change and working Bingo (although not very often). I might even be filling in for Lonnie at the hangar for a week and a half or so.

I thought I was in the mood to write and I guess I'm not really. Go figure.

full court press

Ayaire is really pulling for me to move to southeast. I want to be in Alaska and am not sure how long I want to live in Unalakleet. The last time I lived in Anchorage it was an amazing and yet disastrous time in my life. I don't think it'd be the best environment for me. The road system would be fair nice, but Juneau has possibilities. I have Ayaire and I've met a ton of her friends, so I wouldn't be lonely. There's a master's program at the university where I could get my teaching degree. It would take a year and some summer classes. Not too shabby. My old music teacher is here and was singing praises about the program. There's also another factor but I don't care to mention that other than it's a factor. Huh. So there is potential, I just don't know what I'm doing or what I want to do. Or what I should do. I'm so freaking clueless right now. I'm not the biggest fan of it.

Anyways... I'm visiting Ayaire in Juneau right now and so far it's been a marvelous visit. My first day here, Thursday, was my favorite by far. Friday, was a good follow up with a book store, thrift store, and quality Ayaire time. Today I was able to catch up with Mr. Patrick Murphy, my music teacher from high school. It was freaking sweet to see him. Teacher's are such an incredible part of life and I'm so lucky to have them as friends in my life, from both high school and college. Tomorrow is brunch for Christina's birthday/Valentine's Day and a bunch of other things on Ayaire's itinerary (yes she has one for my visit, she's adorable).

We'll see what comes my way at home, job wise and such, and I'll probably consider southeast. I just wish I could see where I am/should be in 5 years from now and know what steps I need to take in order to get there. I'm slightly terrified and enthralled at the unknown.

balls.

Remind me when I unpack my storage unit to dispose of 5 things. Be it an octopus, a box of crap, a bag of clothes, a unit of shelves, SOMETHING!

Arrowhead Lace

Practicing a new stich in hat format. I got this stitch from my stitch a day calender. (Yes, I have one.) The yarn was from my dear, sweet Mom. I love how the colors blended with full rings that are thick and thin. It's harder to see the actual pattern in the picture but the lace holes angle up and then down. The pattern is done in sets of 10 stitches and then repeats. I used size 9 needles with 60 stitches. Hats are fun because they work up fast. It's nice working on big projects that take a long time and little projects that make you feel like you're accomplishing something.

Arrowhead

I think I need a job.

Or at least less time on my hands.

My fish have a new home.

They're getting picked up today. Kinda sad, but another thing checked off my list. And they're going to a good home. *sigh*

I've been working on an afghan for a few years (it's going very slowly) but it uses a technique for a haveing a reverse side. It's also twice as thick as normal knitting. So I thought I'd give it a try for a hat! I like it except I think the stitches are a little stretched out. I need to use a smaller sized needle with a more stitches. So I'll have to experiment with that. I hate having to rip though and I ripped out a hat last night. :( Such are the joys of knitting without a pattern. Anyways... here is the first experiment.

the grey side

the black side

The shelf of movies is finally all packed up. I think I'm going to break it down today and stick it in the porch. I really like the wooden shelves. I think I kind of want to save them. I'm going to get rid of the metal shelf though. That guy has traveled with me for years and it's kind of a piece of crap. It's definitely moving on. I had people pick up stuff yesterday and am having two others pick up stuff today. I feel so good everytime something leaves my presence. And even better than I know it's going to be used. Now just keep your fingers crossed that my place is subleased before February 1st. That'd be really great. Thanks.

Two thousand ten so far has been the hear from old friends and reconnect with people year. It started out with Chelsea and I giving Ryder and Annette a surprise visit. Ten years ago we did a time capsule with letters to each other when we were 15 and 16 years old. This was the year we scheduled to open it. Me being the weird, anal person that I am when it comes to this stuff, I brought it into Anchorage because Ryder, Chelsea, and I were all going to be there. Amazing. Chelsea and I were fairly nervous when we knocked on the door but after a few minutes we were comfortable and taking a hammer to the bottle. Some of the letters were read aloud and others were saved to be read alone. A few apologies were given and accepted and emails were given around. It was wonderful to see Ryder and to be at ease around him. Hopefully our friendship will be rekindled. I've missed that guy.

And a few days ago my old classmate Travis called and chatted with me for a good bit. He was with his kids, who sounded like they were having a blast. It's amazing how far so many of my classmates have come. So many of them have families or are starting families and have jobs and are growing up. One more year and we can plan a 10 year high school reunion. Creepy. At least I think so.

hoarder

I've decided I'm on the road to being a hoarder. If one person who moves at least once every year can fill a 2 bedroom house with stuff, then that individual has too much crap! I have been doing my best to get rid of stuff but it's kinda hard when you're a craft person who loves books, movies, and music. Craft supplies are just bulky in general and I am into more than one. This results in tubs of yarn, tubs of material, and boxes of beads. I have a whole shelf of crap. I don't want to give up any of those hobbies though.

I will not give into the digital age when it comes to books either. I love being able to hold a book and dog ear pages. I love the weight of a book in your hand or on your chest as you're falling asleep. The idea of a kindle or other digital book thingy just makes me sad. So it's hard getting rid of books, although I have managed to pass on a few and have given some to used book stores. Which is a tease really because being in a used book store stuffed full of potential and not being able to get anything new is just torture. I'm tempted to pick ten more books and give them up just so I can get some new ones. I think I just talked myself into it.

To downsize my DVD's, or at least the bulkyness of them I've moved them into booklets. So I still have them, they're just more compact. Sadly to say you can't really do that with VHS tapes. And I refuse to give up most of my VHS tapes but I've convinced myself to part with some. I suppose I don't really need Puff the Magic Dragon or Frosty the Snowman. I suppose.

Sweet nectar of life. Coffee I love you. It just has to be said.

Regardless of me thinking of all of this, I'm not moving very fast in the packing direction. 21 days. The 3 week countdown begins. Oh crap. I need to look into a ticket back north too.